"It has come out that I have  been having a
secret relationship with a married woman. Neither of them are
leaving the kids, so they have to work it out. I wish I could help
her since I care about her (that sounds contradictory,
ha?) , and have ever since I met her. She and I
wished we could have stopped before discovery (duh),
so we could work on being just friends and be in each
other's lifes. I lost a lot all of a sudden. He
is (was) a friend of mine and only now feel for him. I
think I had to shut off part of me to do what I was
doing.I lost being able to see her and
the kids. She and I have contacted each other with
him knowing. We haven't seen each other since the
discovery. I just wish we had deleted those emails so
the burdens of this relationship would be just mine
and hers. Now she's left with a big mess and he is
really destroyed. I lost a lover, two friends, self
esteem (was already losing that).  What I really want
is to meet someone and have a family." 

Your account suggests to me that you are ready to learn some life lessons and, if so, you are getting a lot of prodding.    

My major suggestion is to consider whether all this emotional pain could actually be your ally.   This anguish may be your teacher.   

That's why we have emotional pain.    Think about it.   Why do we have physical pain?    It tells us when to move and makes us do it.   Emotional pain must have the same purpose, since it has no other benefit.   At first, emotional pain makes us feel really sick and gets in our way, so it is not useful immediately.    Yet, ultimately, its lesson is the same as that of physical pain:   it tells us when to move and makes us do it, if we listen. 

 

You have been making choices guaranteed to work only in the  moment and equally certain to hurt a lot later on.  As you mention, the pain of your choices is affecting not only you.  It is, of course, not to your credit that you caused this, but it certainly is a good sign that it hurts you deeply, since it shows your deeper character.  Can you now start to see how the pain could be useful?  

So, now you are in emotional payback mode.   Don't go through this suffering for nothing.    Let it teach you what you want in life, what it feels like to miss the train toward the future you want to build, and how important this is to you.  This can protect your future choices and even motivate them.

 

Then, you can move.