| Family Issues 3: worried about my son and his treatment | |
| "Hi!
My son is 10 years old and an only child. He has been depressed and angry because he has been bullied by 3 boys in his class. We have discussed this with his school and are working with them on this situation. We were referred to a counselor in our area. He talked to me and my husband for a couple of times and then told us to bring my son to see him once a week. His basic approach is "play therapy". He wants us to bring my son into the office and takes him into the room and after an hour brings him back. I don't want to ask my son what they talk about (he tells me what games they play). But at the same time I feel very uneasy for not knowing what is happening in therapy. When I told his counselor he told me he has to respect my son's privacy and will only tell us if he is a danger to himself or others. Well I am not sure about this approach. I think he is too young to have complete privacy and we should know what is going on during therapy. Also I do not want my son to get the idea of having "secrets" from us and to think it is ok to keep his worries and his thoughts from us. I have stopped his visits for now. Are we "overprotective and are having seperation anxiety" as the conular put it or do we have a right to be more involved in these sessions?" Please find responses in three sections on this page. How to assess the psychotherapy your son is already getting
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| Dealing with Bullying ( back to top) | |
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You've
raised several important issues, and I would like to address them in
three separate sections. They are important enough for you and
for other visitors to my site that I will probably post the responses.
You can look for them under "worried about my son and his
treatment."
The
issue of bullying of children by others is as old as there have been
children. What is new is that today there are guns, and today
there is a media that informs the nation instantly. So, when
several children across the nation retaliated with deadly violence, we
all learned about it. As a result, the school is very likely to
help you with the bullying of your ten-year-old son. If they
hesitate at all, tell them that you have a "zero tolerance for
violence against my son," since that is likely to get their
attention.
On
the other hand, this
won't stop other kids from labeling your son as an outcaste and
subjecting him to more subtle, verbal assaults. So, he has some
work to do also. I have worked with bullied children for
many years, well before the schools were any allies for parents,
and these children have taught me what works to end bullying.
Here is what I would tell your son:
"Kids
who get bullied usually get quieter because of it, and the more quiet they get, the
more they get bullied. There is a small group of boys who get
picked on who actually provoke the other kids, and they would need counseling to learn why they are
doing that and how to stop. Most of the time, bullied kids are just quiet because they are being
threatened and feel threatened. Unfortunately, the more quiet you get, the more
of a target you become. This happens because no one can
read your mind, and so dumber kids will think things like "he
thinks he's too good for everybody" or "he is so weird that
everyone hates him, not just me."
Bottom
line, you need to get some contacts. Here's how. Of all
the kids in each setting, pick the one who is the least mean to you,
and get to know him better. How do you do this? Start when
he is the most alone you find him and start up a conversation with him
about his favorite topic. Do you know what that is?
I do. Everyone's favorite subject is himself! So,
don't worry about being interesting to others, just be interested in
others.
Ask him questions about his interests. If you don't know what
these are, then ask him a question like, "so what do you do for
fun when you get out of school?" Show interest in him
and gradually others and you won't be isolated anymore.
Once
you are less isolated, the picture of you will change among the kids in
general. If the particulat bullies still pick on you, go through four
stages (if you haven't already). First, try ignoring them,
making sure they are not just "getting a rise" out of you.
Next, ask them to stop harassing you. Say, "please
stop doing that. I don't like it." I know this seldom
works, but teachers usually want to know that you tried it.
Next, go to the person in charge of that setting and tell them what
you've done. Finally, go to a higher authority, assuming the
problem is still happening, and tell them all you have done and that
it is still happening. What they should do is a
combination of bad consequences for the mean kids, combined with getting them
together with you in a supervised setting to work out their treatment
of you. By the way, all the good stuff you do with the
other kids will, not only make school more fun, but help the school
authorities realize that you are doing your part. I have never
worked with a young person who could not improve his situation following steps
like these. Good luck! "
So,
these are the suggestions I have for your son. I would print
them out for him. Let me know how things go.
Best
wishes,
Dr.
Rick Blum
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| How to assess the psychotherapy your son is already getting: ( back to top) | |
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Here
is part two:
I
have two concerns about what you are describing in your son's
counseling treatment. Before I describe them, I should tell you that play
therapy has research behind it showing some results. I have also
had a colleague who did it and personally described positive results.
Having
said that, most sources agree that it is a rather long type of
treatment. I recommend it only for children who are not
particularly verbal. In other words, when people call me for
treatment of their children, I ask if their children are likely to
talk to me. If the child is verbal, I prefer to speak with them
about issues, including a teaching component, which is called
"psycho-education," short for "psychotherapeutic
education." Only if the child is too young or too shy to
talk will I recommend play therapy. If the parent is not
sure, I will see the child once and let them know.
This
gets us to the second area. I am not an attorney, but part
of becoming licensed as a psychologist is learning about the laws that
affect my practice. One of the laws I learned was that
children do not themselves hold "the privilege of
confidentiality." In other words, you are in charge
of privacy
of your child's treatment, not the child and not the therapist.
For example, if you want the counselor to report on your child, who
signs for it? You child? The counselor? No,
you do. So, I am troubled that the counselor has not informed
you of this, actually implying the opposite.
So,
how do I handle the child's privacy? Before the first
session,, I'll usually talk to the parents about it, as well as the
child. I'll explain to the parents that, just as adults,
children have to feel free to voice some half-baked thoughts in
sessions, statements that they are not sure they mean. If they
think that I am going to repeat their words before they are certain
that they are the right words, they will not freely speak.
Instead, I will recommend that the parent or guardian extend privacy
rights for the child, and that at the end
of the session, the child and I will prepare what I am going to be communicating with
the parents. I explain to the child, much as I explained to the
parents. "You know, your parents are going to want to
know a little about what we're doing to see if it's helpful. So,
what I usually do is check with you first to see what you want me to
mention and if you agree with everything I would say."
For
example, at the end of the session, I might say, "I was thinking
of letting your parents know that we worked on how to improve your
confidence and that I gave you some things to work on. Oh, and
also I could tell them that you are glad that they are helping you
with that problem with your younger brother. How's that
sound?" Usually, the child responds, "Sure, that would
be fine." Sometimes, they might say, "I'd rather not
bring
up the part about my younger brother yet. I don't want to
get into that." Then, the child is happy, I am happy, and the
parents are happy and also know what they need to know about their
concerns for their child.
See
whether your next therapist will agree to operating this way.
Best
of luck,
Dr.
Rick Blum
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| Choosing a Therapist: ( back to top) | |
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Here
is part three:
Since
you have already stopped the treatment, and since I have discussed the
privacy issues in a separate part of this page, I will focus here on
how I think you should choose the next therapist.
There
is nothing wrong with getting referrals, but keep in mind that unless
the person who is recommending a therapist has actually used that therapist,
they have no personal experience with what it is like to receive
treatment from them.
So, whether you use the yellow pages, your PPO's list, or another
person's suggestions, you still have to ask some questions.
First
point: does the counselor call you back personally? If
the answer is no, you are done with that one. If they do, then
now you can find out about the rest.
Notice
how the therapist treats you on the phone. Are you being talked
down to, patronized, or does the person instead seem "down to earth"?
In other words, do you feel comfortable with that person.
And, don't blame
yourself if you don't. By the way, you can expect people to act pretty much
the same in their offices as they treat you on the phone.
Assuming
that the therapist seems nice, next ask some question about strategy. It's one thing to
understand and quite another to know how to help. You could phrase
this by asking if they take a practical approach or if they help
direct you to your goals, or if they are strategic. Now, when
you are listening to their answer, there are a couple of extremes to
avoid.
Some
people, although this is relatively rare, sound like they want to run
your life. Better you should run for the hills. The
more frequent problem is that the therapist will say something like that they will
facilitate you or ask the right questions or guide you in coming up
with your own answers. These are all passive approaches, with
the result that they will not speak much.
Preferable,
from my point of view, is someone who says that they can guide you,
but that you'll be in charge of the directions. In other words,
they find out where you want to go, and are quite active in coaching
you on how to get there. This is a more active approach, but still
allows you to set your own goals (unless part of what you want is help
in learning how to set goals).
These
standards apply as much when choosing treatment for your child as they
do when seeking your own
therapy. It will weed out a lot of bad situations, but
this is about as much as you can find out on the phone. Then it takes a visit, but only one, to see whether they
can deliver what they promised.
Best
wishes on your search,
Dr.
Rick Blum
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