I have been in a relationship now with a man for 3 1/2 years. We have been living together now for 2 years. I would like to find out more information about the affects my boyfriend may have sustained from not only living at home until the age of 35 without adult responsibilities but also the affects he endured from a dictator-like father that didn't work the majority of his up bringing.  He does not follow through in the big area of his life, including us.  He was obviously able to bring our relationship to a certain level but can't finalize it with marriage or what I believe to be a real commitment. He also gets exceptionally depressed and angry out of the blue, and he can be very critical and harsh.  It is so different from the way I grew up, which was in a very loving and supportive family.  I know this is not that and that I can't fix it. I would sincerely appreciate any insight or suggestions you may have. Thank you for your time."

Thanks for writing. I think that you said something very insightful at the end of your note, which is that you recognize that your boyfriend does not come from or share in the kind of loving family you are used to and that you know you cannot fix it.

You are clearly intelligent and so I also expect that you know that people don't usually get more than they will settle for in a relationship, because when they find what they will settle for, they stop looking.

This leads us to an important question, which is why you have been settling for less than you know a relationship should be, and I'm going to tell you why people do that.

First, it is easy to fall in love with trouble. Troublesome differences produce emotional (sometimes physical) danger in a relationship, and danger produces passion. So, if you confuse passion with someone being right for you, then you may go after trouble. Second, the way that smart people allow painful choices is thinking that somehow the person will outgrow their troubles, especially in the face of the loving contrast that they intend to provide. Of course, by now you know that the loving example you show has not changed him, and it won't.

You are not married, you don't have children together, and his not committing to you frees you from being obligated in return. So, yes, there is a lot of help possible for him, but as you surmise it is not in your hands or at your hand. You cannot marry a man's potential, and you cannot be in a relationship with the man you hope he could become.

I hope that I am not sounding flippant about the painful prospect of maybe ending a relationship, but you are clear in your description of his behavior, which you correctly labeled as unacceptable.

So, I suggest that you let him know that you love him, and that otherwise you would not be there. You might add that you had hoped that your love would encourage him to create a loving family with you, but that you see this is not happening. You could then let him know that you are out of hope, and that you need some source of hope to carry on, and ask him if he would seek the help that would provide that hope.

If he agrees, even several days later, then let me know and I'll advise you how to choose a therapist. If he refuses, then you must make a tough choice, but one that your good head will help you make: whether to choose him exactly as he is, since that's the only him you know, or to choose a different future.

Best wishes,

Dr. Rick Blum

"I appreciate you taking time to respond back to me. I think it's very telling that I begin the request inquiring about my boyfriends behavior and you respond by addressing the behaviors I am engaging in. It is amazing how you succinctly summed up a pattern of behavior I have been engaging in now for many years. I honestly believed I had broken this pattern you touched on with "dangerous" relationships producing what I believe to be passionate ones because this man didn't fit the "on the edge" type I had been with previously. I am constantly trying to fit square pegs into round ones, I guess because it's more challenging? Or with all the confidence I think I have, in truth I don't think very highly of myself and continuously settle for less. Thank you for refocusing the attention back to where I should have had it in the first place, me. I have heard it said that we find people that are our mirror image. Maybe he is more like me than I care to admit. It's not easy to look at ourselves with a magnifying glass, but I think it's more then time I did. Thank you! I will let you know how things go."

You make a very interesting point at the end of your letter about a subtle similarity between you. Often the way that women avoid intimacy is by picking men that are incapable of it. That way they can have the sense that they are seeking closeness and vulnerability, without truly risking it. I cannot tell if this applies to you, but it came to mind when you mentioned that, so I thought I'd write it.

Your struggle is courageous and also somewhat universal, so as I get more opportunity to update the site, you can expect to find an anonymous version of your letter that I hope will help others in similar situations.

Best regards,