| Relationships
4
The "distancer's dilemma" |
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Hi Dr. Rick,
I recently came across
your discussion of distancers and pursuers, and it sounds so like my
own relationship that I'm anxious to find out more. I am
definitely the distancer, with my boyfriend the pursuer, although at
times when he's 'had enough' we will reverse roles. That almost
always leaves me feeling like I've caved in, or given my power away,
which leads to resentment on my part if he's not appreciative enough
of the immense effort involved in me backing down. He usually
isn't appreciative, mainly because he feels like the cost of 'winning'
is just too high. How do you break this cycle? It
manifests the most in our 'arguments', but it effects every aspect of
our relationship as well.
Thank you
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I
apologize for my delay in writing back. I misread your note at
first, thinking that you were asking about what I had already posted,
so that I was unsure how to respond. Then, I read more
carefully, and I realize that you are describing yourself as the
distancer. Now that is unusual. More typically, the
pursuers write; thus my misread. I will try to make
it up to you by my length of reply.
First,
congratulations on wanting to confront this pattern. Also, I'm
glad to see that you care enough about him to reverse the roles, when
he starts to pull away. So, let's see if I can be helpful.
Your
observations seem on the mark to me. The problem with
those who pursue is that they becomes upset and do the opposite of
what I recommend in my posting (Relationships 2). When you
finally approach him, he is so angry for the past distance that he is
unable to receive you happily.
Of
course, it would be great to break this from your side. You
mention that you feel that you've lost your power when you have to
chase him. So, one angle on this might be that you loved
someone a lot once upon a time (probably a parent, but it could be a
sibling or other important relationship) who made you feel humiliated
and dominated for your love. As a result, your
boyfriend is in effect paying for someone else's crimes. If this
rings a bell, work to separate him from that other person in your
mind. If you find you cannot, write me, and I will suggest
a method to do this.
A
second cause of distance is the "Groucho Marx
syndrome." Herein lies a tale:
It is
said that Groucho Marx, the most famous of the Marx Brothers (famous
comedians on Vaudeville and then films), wanted to join a country
club. His success was just starting to grow, and he wanted to
enjoy this for himself, his wife, and his son. I
believe this was during the 1930's and he was refused membership.
The director attempted to be somewhat polite, writing that this was
not personal, but that Mr.. Marx was Jewish, and it was the policy of
the club not to accept Jews. Groucho Marx wrote back
something like this: 'I have received your reply, and I
think I understand. It seems that I cannot join your
country club because I am Jewish. Now, my wife is not
Jewish, so I expect that she could join. Where I am
confused is about my son, whom I guess you would consider half-Jewish.
Does this mean that he could join, but only go swimming up to his
waist?'
Perhaps
this was what was on his mind when, some years later, he resigned from
Hollywood's Friar Club with the following quip:
"Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any
club that will have me as a member."
Most
of us feel some of this at some time. For example, in high
school it is common for boys and girls to want someone's attention
until they get it. Not all of us outgrow this. The
fact is: you have to love yourself a lot to be able to want
someone who wants you. So, if you have noticed
any kind of a persisting pattern like that, then you might want
to learn what stops you from valuing yourself enough, if that's the
problem.
A
third cause can be called "love as a drug." If I
fall in love for the high (and this is more common than people
realize), anyone I'm with for awhile will eventually fall short.
I can only be amazed for so long that this person wants me.
If it is about getting-off on the infatuation, I'll want the challenge
of chasing him or someone else all over again. If so, you have
to choose for this time in your life whether you want
relationships for the thrill or are shopping for a long-term partner.
I
don't know if any of these strike a bell. If any of them
do, but you are having a tough time working through it, write me
again, and I'll go into more detail. If none seem to connect,
you can also let me know that, and I will look for another approach.
Good
luck
Dr.
Rick Blum
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