Unlike all the other pages, this page is not in response to any particular question that someone has emailed to me.  Instead, it has an outline of the best "strategies" I have been able to design for preventing and handling conflict in a close relationship.

It is one of the most  frequent handouts  that  I give to people in my office.  So, I am posting it here both for easy access by my clients and for the interest of anyone who wants to improve a relationship. 

Please note a  few points  about these  strategies:

1.  Although the list is brief in description, every one of the actual skills used are already present in most  people.  The trick is to remember  to use them when needed, in the circumstances that  I describe.

2.  They cover most situations, even the circumstances in which you are using these strategies and the other person is fighting dirty.

3.  In the fair fighting section, I don't even mention physical violence.   Do not try to improve communication with someone who is physically violent with  you.   Get out of the situation and stay out unless that person gets substantial help such that a licensed therapist assures you that it is safe to return to the setting.  

4.  Each of the circumstances has a group of three strategies.   In stress, we cannot keep more than three things in our heads.  If we have more than three, we will pick only one of them and do that.  

5.  You cannot learn these when you need them.  In order to use them:

• first review them alone;
• once you are comfortable with them, make them familiar by imagining using them in past situations;
• then, project them forward by imagining future scenarios;
• then, remember number 6 below, which is that they are not in fact techniques, but guides and gauges!

6.  Below are the simplest and most effective methods I have been able to design thus far, but every technique will be defeated unless the following condition is met:  The secret to a wonderful relationship is the result of two people continually looking for ways to contribute love, support, and sweet acts of kindness to each other, while usually saying "yes" to the other person's efforts.  I call this "the gold standard."  So, even the best strategies, like those below, are simply a guide to know how to express this loving attitude and a gauge to test whether you are doing your part. 

Emotional Intimacy

The One Question:   “If I just wanted to be good to you, what would I do next?” 

§  Assistance in his/her missions in life

§  Affection

§  Learning what makes her/him happy and doing it.

 Active Listening:   If I wanted to be 100% certain that I  understood you, what would I ask or say next?

 Vulnerability [what to do when you are hurting too much to contribute much to the other person]:  tears, fears, and tender hopes

Conflict prevention

 Appreciation (concretely expressed through words or touch)

 Reassurance (especially when I can anticipate a possible negative interpretation of my words)

 When in doubt, check it out.  (When I am upset by what I think  the other person may be meaning)

§         Powerful but more difficult:  wishful hearing (confirm the positive interpretation)

§         Easer and  still effective:  rule out the negative interpretation.   

Conflict resolution

Tell the good news first (specify area of agreement); when you are done, don't say "but."  Instead, say "AND."

 Make requests not cases:  Make your suggestion for what you would like as concrete as possible, giving just enough information to have  it make sense.   If you explain it further, you just make the other person feel bad for not having done what you want already.   So, instead of responding to your request he or she will make a defense against your "case."

No “no”s (search for alternatives  instead).  Never say "yes" when you don't agree, but  present a counter-offer, even if that alternative is to say "ok, let me think carefully about what you are  asking and  I will bring it up with you tonight."

Fair fighting  rules (don’t try to solve anything during an argument – you cannot usually argue and resolve at the same time).   The list proceeds in the order of more and more pain.   If a couple does these things, the love  hemorrhages out of the relationship.

Don’t change  the subject.  Everyone want to do this, in order to make a point, but it frustrates the other person by offering too much content to deal with.  As a  result, they are  likely to do things  further on down the list.  

 No aggression

§         No painful volume

§         No name calling or behavior labels (for example, “that was so inconsiderate!”)

§         No aggressive gestures (for example, rushing at someone, hitting objects or oneself)

 Don’t threaten to break up the relationship.  This is the worst of the list.  It is meant  to make  someone else care. Instead, it strongly encourages someone not to care about you in order to hurt less about your threat.  

Ending an unfair argument (the other’s behavior is not a rationale for my own; don't fight dirty just because the other person is.)

 Say what I’d rather have (for example, “please yell lower.”)

 If necessary (if it goes on), set a boundary for what you cannot have done.

§         Say what you cannot do together.

§         If possible, phrase in terms of something like “I’m not able to treat you the way that you deserve if I experience the names you’re calling.”

 If necessary (if  it goes on), take a timed break (providing a specific return time is essential to this).   Then, when you return, go back to the beginning  and start nice.  If you find  you cannot, you did not leave  soon enough.  Eventually, the other person will see that he or she is getting good treatment for  nothing, but is receiving nothing for unfair fighting.