Building or Rebuilding Trust

  First, let me tell you that it makes plenty of sense that you would be apprehensive. On the other hand, the fact that she is 22 is a hopeful part of the picture, since people change a lot during these years. The research suggests that the human brain finishes growing up at around the age of 25.  The most hopeful part is the fact that she told you. Unless it came out by accident, she did not have to do so.

Communication could help

I also agree that having a mother who betrayed your trust can add to the picture for you and will give you your own challenge to work through. One suggestion I have for another alternative to just breaking up would be to let her know that you like her a lot and have these concerns for her history, which is why you are glad that she told you. You could say that this was a positive step, but you'd like to know what, if anything, she learned through these past mistakes that makes her think that she is ready and that you should take a chance on her fidelity. Then, if she cannot articulate anything that makes sense you (or maybe even if she can) you can ask if she would be willing to get counseling to help identify what is driving her to violate her own standards. 

The Power of Accountability

Now, assuming you think she has grown, you can ask her whether she would help you build your trust of her by doing something together you would not otherwise do, but which would allow her to take ownership for her past difficulty in this area and make amends (take responsibility) for it. This would be through a strategy of accountability. She would not ask your permission to do things, but would be locatable. In other words, she would be willing to tell you where she was, and how you could check if you wanted to do that. To help prevent this from becoming a parent-child action, you could offer to do this both ways, especially since men in general are more the problem than women.  You see, people usually put up a smokescreen when they are cheating, where they like to be vague about their activities. You can be clear that this might feel annoying to both of you, and that you of course would seldom check, but that you would do that at least sometimes, so that you would know she is being straightforward. This would hopefully become either a temporary or an occasional arrangement.  For all it's awkwardness, it absolutely confirms trust, so it is worth it.  

Well, you might wonder whether this is worth it for you to do at 23. It might not be. If it is, it would be for one of two reasons. You'd have to think that otherwise this is a very special lady, and she is worth the trouble. Or, because of your own background, it could be for the purpose of practice in trust and rebuilding trust.

How Trust Works

Trust, when realistic, is based upon expectations which, in turn, are based upon experience. So, you trust a person to do what they repeatedly do, which may be something you like or something you don't. When people want to rebuild trust after a betrayal of trusts, it takes three ingredients: new words, new actions, and new time.

The new words consist of evidence of coherent and fresh learning about how the person has grown in understanding of their motives and choices. They have to know how they fell in the hole that in turn hurt you and how to avoid it for both your sakes. If the words make sense, you have to have a way to judge if the person is acting differently.  This means new actions that fit the new words (thus, the temporary accountability technique above). Finally, it takes a period of new time in order to build trust, that is new expectations based upon new experience.

Thanks for sending me such an interesting and important questions.  I hope this is useful 

Best Wishes,


Dr. Rick Blum