| Relationships
8 Writing Two Letters |
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Dr Rick,Recently, my son, an intelligent man (a college professor) wrote me a letter declaring me emotionally abusive. He included a long morbid description of how he believes I "got" that way, saying my only "redemption" is thru my grandsons! He said that I don't care about him, and disrespect him when he visits, including by having a messy house. Then he wrote that he expected that I would react to his letter in some destructive way. He did not write in any way suggesting a fix for our problems, but said it was hopeless. He specifically wrote that he does not want to discuss this! I haven't yet reacted in the destructive way he described....but am just about to. Could you give me a hint on whether there is a way to "fix" this? It's not like I think I'm perfect. I have done a lot of introspection and therapy trying to resolve some of my problems before this. I have even talked to him and written him about things I've learned about myself, so it is pretty insulting to have this thrown in my face. He is a part of the problem too, but he won't resolve this with me. I'm old enough to hate wasting time on a rift in the family, but I don't know what to do in reaction to such a letter. __________________________________________________ |
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Thanks for
writing.
You are smart to hold off on any direct reaction while you feel the first waves of this hurt. You are also right that time is precious. Actually, it is as precious when we are 20 as when we are 60, but we recognize it more often later on. So, you are probably more in touch with that than your son is.
What I am about
to suggest may be totally unacceptable to you. You may or may not
be ready to take this on, since it allows him to be who he is and
aims to fix it from your side only. So, please recognize that I am
making these suggestions in response to the question of how you
might improve the situation. If you choose to not go this way, I
can respect that also.
I think he wants
you to be there for him emotionally, and not the reverse.
Despite his being an adult and a professional, in his relationship
with you, he is an adult child. For example, his criticism of
housekeeping issues may even connect with his desire to be nurtured
by you. So, he probably doesn't feel like he can handle a
discussion of your issues and an invitation to fix the tension as if
you were two
friends. I know that it's not how you meant it, and I have not seen
the letter, but it may be how he meant it.
This opens up an
option. If you can remember him as a little boy, and forgive him
as you did back then, you may be able to write him a much different
letter.
First write the
angry one that you should not send. Let yourself vent your feelings
in that, and feel free to make it rough. Any letter that you might
consider sending is not angry enough.
Once you've let
that out, you may be ready to write a second letter, one that you
can send. When you are ready for this, write a letter stating that
you apologize for giving him too much information about your
process, if it was to a degree that upset him.
You can tell him that you meant to say that, while you are still in
this world, you would like to be more the mother that he would want,
that you want to improve your side of what there is in your
mother-son relationship. You are ready to apologize for any acts
that he found hurtful, in detail if he will share them with you, and
you are ready to correct your course.
Next,
you can invite him to tell you in concrete terms what it is that you
do that you should stop doing and what you don't do around him that
you should start doing. If the response is vague, then
ask him to be more specific (to describe the actual behaviors) so that you can understand better. Of course, he may
refuse this, but this is the kind of invitation that most of us
would love to get if we are lucky enough to have a parent living.
Even if he won't let you in, you at least will have the serenity
that you are no longer part of the problem. Instead you would
comprise a loving offer for a solution.
This is a lot to
throw at you in the mood that you described, so it may take a few
days to digest.
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